back in the north

i wrote this last week for shabda (the order reporting in monthly) and just thought i could post it here too.

i am back in the northern hemisphere. i almost said the frozen north but actually spring is just starting to show. there are daffodils in the garden here at taraloka and in the lanes around here and a few brave buds are trying to push through. i came back from australia on friday last week and have had a few days catching up here at taraloka. i have felt bereft and sad at times but no jet lag which is good. this afternoon i am off to birmingham for the last few days of the college meeting.

i don't know what to write about my time away. it is too big a journey to lightly describe. the journey was geographical and spiritual. i completely fell in love with the land in australia, especially when subhavyuha and i spent some days at uluru, the aboriginal sacred site in the desert which used to be known as ayers rock. what a stunning place. i think that was a peak experience of my life. i had been feeling drawn to questions about home even before visiting there and there was something stunning about being on land where an unbroken line of people have lived for probably more than 65,000 years. and the desert was fantastic. i feel i need to explore something of my own roots and groundedness. i am not very grounded. in elemental terms i am more fire and air than earth or water and i feel a need to change that. i feel i slowed down on this trip, particularly in uluru and i want to find a way to honour that.

one thing that happened during my time in aotearoa/ new zealand was that i got in touch again with sexual abuse memories. that carried on and i must say it did make for a challenge especially leading these big retreats with over thirty people on them. i would be having physical flashbacks, re-experiencing events of a truly horrible traumatic nature but i am incredibly grateful to vikasini who continued to give me cranial osteopathy which i think has really helped me to move through something. i do believe that these memories are held on a cellular level and it feels like i have been experiencing shifts on that level. it has been horrendous, painful (both physically and emotionally), disgusting and yet liberating. i do not want to die with this stuff still present. i know it is vipakka but i am also aware of deep patterns of behaviour that cause karma formations which come from these memories and traumas. i want to leave no traces. i want to break that circle where i act defensively or even offensively because of vulnerabilities and deep rooted insecurities.

i know i am writing of my inner landscape and experience and i am sorry not to share more of the wonderful exterior experiences i also had. i was impressed by the sangha in the different places i visited and was delighted to get to know so many people. i have definitely left a bit of my heart there and can't wait to visit again. i might well do so in 09 after or before the convention in india. on that subject i am delighted that an international convention will take place in india. the only fly in the ointment (and it is a big one) is the air miles involved but then if we are going to have an international convention at all airmiles will be involved somehow. and this way it will be a more truly international event even if fewer europeans attend than usual. i think it will be great for our indian brothers and sisters to have that experience and, of course, much more viable for the antipodeans that a trip to england would be.

yesterday i was driving to whitchurch - the town near taraloka. i was wending my way through windy country lanes and had such a strange experience. last time i was behind the wheel of a car was driving in a straight line through red desert. what a contrast. what a wonderful world as the song says. how much i love the world. how much i love diversity. i want to do all i can to serve in the healing of our world - and of course right now, i feel a need to work on the healing of myself. not seperate of course. and i thought how privileged i am that i have seen so much of the world. and me from the glasgwegian working classes!